My life is entirely different when I’m abstinent versus when I’m not (I.e. I don’t maintain employment or housing, physically I deteriorate rapidly, etc.) so this resonates and then some. (Only slightly) less disruptive for me is bulimia, and there are parallels between your drinking and my binging and purging. Not only are there far too many hours in a day when I’m abstinent, but the hours are looooong and filled with panic. The only thing that’s worked for either (for me) is activism. Otherwise, I feel like the pain has been for naught. Thanks for sharing.